Here I am, at my mom's house in Illinois. Every time I come back for a visit, I find myself driving aimlessly around C-U for a bit, just sort of... trying it on for size. I'm back in town for my 10 year high school reunion, and I also find myself thinking about all of the things I've done in the past 10 years. In a way, high school seems so recent. I remember it so vividly, just like it was yesterday. And in another way, it seems like an eternity ago. 10 years ago, I had probably just decided for sure that I was going to the U of I for college. Since then, I've graduated from college, spent a year of my life in France, gotten married, moved to California, spent 5 years of my life in California, nearly completed my Ph.D., gotten divorced, and now am fairly certain that I am moving to the other side of the country in just 5 months. And what's truly mind blowing is all the people I've met along the way. When I think back on all the wonderful people who have become such an important part of my life, to think that I didn't even know that they existed 10 years ago is just astounding. People who have touched my life and my heart, who have changed me as a person, who have made me grow and think and feel things I never would have imagined. And just think - it's probably going to happen again in the next 10 years. How many people are out there that I haven't met yet, just waiting to come into my life and make me forget that I ever could have existed without them?
This is what's weird about being back in C-U: it doesn't change. It's essentially exactly the same as it always has been, and yet it feels so, so different than it did 10 years ago. But the strange part is realizing that the reason it feels so different is because I'm different. I look at it through very different eyes than I did 10 years ago, and to know that I feel the same on the inside, but I'm demonstrably quite a different person is very weird. It's hard to remember what I was like 10 years ago. I've always been a little bit too old for my age, so it's not like I was completely immature, but within the past year or two I've really started to feel like my age suits me for the first time in my life. I feel like 28 is about right, because I finally feel like a real adult. A young adult, certainly, but I've really been growing in to my own skin recently, and I feel like 28 suits me.
So where does this leave "home"? I always feel wistful when I come back here, and it does always feel like home. But now that I'm here with the knowledge that I'm about to move away from California, I'm surprised to find myself feeling a bit reticent. When I moved to California nearly 5 years ago, I never thought it would grow on me as much as it has. And now, 5 years later, driving around Champaign on a cold Wednesday night, I've been psychologically "trying on" life in a small college town again. How would I feel if I were moving back here? Would I actually want to do that? Because I'm moving to a very similar place in a very short amount of time, and I'm mentally preparing myself for some reverse culture shock. Berkeley has gotten into my bones in a way I didn't expect, to the extent that it's much more difficult than I anticipated imagining myself living in a small college town again. I am still so, so thrilled and excited about it, and I think it will feel really right once I've actually moved and settled in. But realizing that there are things about life here that are annoying or foreign to me now is a very strange realization.
It will be really nice to see everyone from high school, too. I'm looking forward to a very nice but very strange week!
No comments:
Post a Comment