must... keep... going

I'm hitting the wall, and it's only 2:00 in the afternoon.  No good.

Well, back up.  This is a weird day for many reasons.  I got up at 5:00 this morning, as I have been for the past few weeks, and I worked on my dissertation until around 8:00.  Then I took my shower and ate breakfast and was ready to head in to campus to get ready for my class this afternoon, as I have been for the past few weeks.  And as I was leaving, I turned my back in a weird way, and it did that stupid, stupid spasm-y thing that it does periodically.  I usually get about one back spasm per year, and then I hobble around like an old lady for a few days before my back decides it's going to quit giving me grief.

So yeah, back spasm this morning.  Not a particularly bad one, but it immediately started stiffening up, like it always does, and I was hobbling around already.  I tossed back a couple Advil and started to head for campus, but it was hurting.  Now... I had been wanting to find an excuse to cancel class today, or let them out early, because I really, really need to get some serious writing done.  So part of me (the little devil on my shoulder) was hissing "dooooo iiiiiittttt... caaaaannnnccceeelllll", but then part of me (the stubborn goody two shoes part) was going, "don't be ridiculous, you're fine, go teach your class."

I made it about a block when I started thinking about what I would have done if I didn't have a dissertation to work on.  And I realized that my back was bothering me enough that if this were a different summer, or during the semester, I would have seriously considered canceling class independently of the fact that I have a dissertation to finish.  So the fact that I was being so stubborn and hobbling to campus anyway was directly tied to the fact that I had been feeling guilty about wanting to cancel class back when I didn't have a good enough reason to.

So I stopped walking, and I stood there for about 6 seconds, and then I turned around and went home and canceled class.  Because forget it.  I'm an adult.  Adults are allowed to have sick days, and this is basically a sick day, and one that I legitimately needed, because I can't really stand up straight right now.  (Which is totally legitimate.  I don't want to be struggling to stand up straight at the front of a classroom for 2 hours.)  The thing that's weird and extra lame about it is that then I felt like, "Hooray!  A sick day!  I get to stay home and work!!"

Being an adult: maybe not as cool as you had hoped.

So now it's 2:06 and I should be heading to my classroom to teach, and instead I am blogging.  I have gotten a tremendous amount of writing done today - which is freaking excellent - but I am hitting the wall.  And this brings us back to my opening sentence.  Part of me is like, "It's only 2:00!  Suck it up, quit being a wimp, and keep working."  But then I realize that I've been writing more or less straight for... 8 hours now, if you figure in some little breaks.  So, uhh, no wonder I'm hitting the wall and suddenly having trouble forming decent sentences.

The problem is that now I don't know what to do with myself, because this is normally the point where I would go for a walk to get some perspective and clear my head, but walking is probably not in the cards today.  Dude, back spasms suck.

So... I dunno.  Maybe I'll read or play the piano or something.

fast forward button plz thx

You know the part where I'm done with this dissertation, and with teaching this class, and with packing my stuff, and with moving in to my new place that's 3,000 miles away?

And I don't have to worry about how all that stuff is going to get done in the next, oh, three weeks?

Yeah, can we just skip to that part now?

On the bright side, I have the greatest advisors ever.  I got comments back from both of them on my last chapter, and I finally got brave enough to read them (it's scary looking at comments, because what if they have no idea what you were trying to say, or there's some huge fundamental flaw that you completely missed because you were too busy getting the stupid statistical model to work, etc. etc.) and they're just the. greatest.  So encouraging and understanding and helpful.  Basically along the lines of, "This is a good idea, and I can tell it's not quite there yet, but it's good, so you should do the best you can with it for now, and then keep working on it."  And also they keep saying things like, "I'm looking forward to continuing this conversation with you once you're Dr. Fricke."  So basically, the best possible way to talk a tired and frustrated grad student down off the ledge!

Oof.  I need to get back to work.

BOOM

It's my class!!!

Nobody's enrolled yet, but I think they will be soon...

Edit, 2/12: Who's got 4 people signed up for their course in the first day of registration?  THIS GIRL.

time marches on

Oh my goodness, how is it the middle of September?  Oh my goodness, I'm going to be leaving for San Diego and Boston and needing to prepare a poster and a conference talk and turn in my prospectus-question-musings before I know it.  Oh my goodness, I have so much reading to do and I should be grading right now instead of blogging.

But oh! I have a piano again, and I can't stop playing it, and it suddenly feels like fall for some reason - despite that fact that it nearly always feels like fall here - but there's something about the light and the breeze and the (subtly changing) leaves that makes me just want to go for a stroll in my Illinois hoodie, drink some tea, and hang on to this fleeting "season" for a little longer.  I remember complaining to one of the older grad students when I first came here that there are no seasons to speak of, and she told me, "No no, we have seasons, they're just subtle."  I will still complain all the live long day that there are no seasons to speak of, but I also know what she was talking about now.  Something about the last week has started to feel like fall, which makes me think of how it's almost my birthday again, and I'm in my fourth year of grad school now (fourth!) and time just keeps marching on.

I ran into a very dear friend of mine from high school in the grocery store the other day (well, she ran into me, as I was trying to decide what kind of chocolate to buy) and it was so good to see her and we talked about how it's so silly that we don't get together more often, but it's partially a problem with time, and not with us.  We talk about getting together for lunch, and I know we both honestly intend to, but then we blink and six more months have gone by.  Oh, time, you silly thing.

Speaking of time, I finally got my haircut, after about four months that somehow flew by since the last time, and it feels so nice!  I would put up a picture, but I haven't taken a shower yet today, so it's kind of greasy and unimpressive right now. ;)

I suppose I should also mention that I taught my first sections of phonetics last week, and I had a really good time doing it!  It's funny, you just act like you know what you're doing, and people assume that you actually do.  I feel like that's a very useful life lesson to have learned.  I also think part of "knowing what you're doing" is convincing yourself that you do, in fact, know.  There I was, standing in front of a room full of undergraduate students, explaining how the vocal tract works and realizing that I do actually know a fair amount about that, and that most people don't, so in that case it wasn't too hard to fake it.  It's a little weird to hear yourself explaining things with some intellectual authority and seeing that people are writing down what you're saying, and may go back and study it later for a test on what you told them.  But I think they can sense my enthusiasm for the material, and so far, that seems to be keeping them somewhat engaged.  I hope that trend will continue.

Well, speaking of phonetics, I should grade some homework.  Happy Fall and much love to all.