giving myself permission

I am in beautiful, sunny, beautiful San Diego.  (I know I just described it as beautiful twice in the same sentence.)  I got in last night, went for a dip in the hotel hot tub, then went to sleep nice and early.  Woke up around 8:00 this morning, lazed around for a bit, got some breakfast at Starbucks, took a shower, and decided that I am not going to do any work right now.  I was going to start right in on editing my conference talk for Friday and working on my dissertation prospectus, but you know what?  It's beautiful here.  (Did I mention that?)  And I don't have any conference activities I absolutely have to attend today, so I'm going to go walk around San Diego with my camera.

Then I can come back early this evening, buckle down, and put my nose back to the grindstone.  But it's sunny and 70 degrees, and I finally got a good night's sleep, and I am giving myself permission to go wander around for a few hours.

I'll be back later, with pictures. :)

I'm only 27.

And yet I've apparently turned into one of those old people who wakes up at 4:00 am after about 5 hours of sleep.

I did not intend to get back on a schedule that includes waking up at 4:00 am every morning, but that seems to be the inevitable result of not being able to force myself to get work done after 6:00 pm.  I worked on stuff for nearly 14 hours straight yesterday (ok, maybe only 4:30 am to 6:00 pm), and then partially against my better judgment went out to my favorite bar in Berkeley and played Boggle.

And then I woke up at exactly 4:00 this morning (without setting an alarm for then, mind you) and laid in bed for 2.5 hours thinking about stuff.  And then I remembered that I had leftover pancake batter in the fridge and a Portuguese test today, and I obviously wasn't sleeping any more anyway, so here I am.  Pancakes and blogging at dawn, which is only 7:00 am these days.  (The end of Daylight Saving Time will be nice in that respect.)

I'm going to see the San Francisco Orchestra tonight, and I hope I can get a nap in before then.  If not, then I should be able to sleep in tomorrow and/or Sunday before I head to San Diego for a few days.

San Diego!  And Boston!  In 2 days!  Ooh, I should remember to pack my camera.

Here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right.  Time to start my day for real.

Some Sundays are pretty perfect.

I have no complaints about today.  I have few complaints in general, really, but today is pretty fantastic so far.  I had something like 20 people over last night for homemade deep dish pizza, and it was so fun.  I hope everyone else had a good time, because I had a really good time.  I love cooking for people, and I have the greatest friends in the world, and the pizza was pretty delicious, if I do say so myself.  The funniest part was probably that almost everyone who came brought a six-pack of beer, so the entire bottom half of our fridge was full of beer, but we worked our way through most of it over the course of about 6 hours.  And 5 pizzas!  5 of 'em!  Grad students are a hungry, beer-guzzling people, it turns out.  I was also really pleased that the dogs were overall quite well behaved.  A lot of the people here were dog people, so they seemed comfortable with them and were good about petting and patting them when they deserved it and telling them to get their noses away from the food when they deserved that, and the dogs were so happy to have so many people here.  I think a good time was had by all.

So despite all the revelry, I was really good about drinking lots of water, and I woke up feeling weirdly good this morning.  I did about 6.5 miles up in the hills yesterday, and we're playing frisbee this afternoon, so I didn't want to overdo it, but I felt better than I expected to, and I did a good, quick little 5.5 miles with the dogs this morning.  It is a gorgeous day out.  The sun is shining and there's a nice, cool breeze, and it's somehow beautifully warm and cool at the same time.

Now I'm home and I made myself some coffee and pancakes and I put on some new music I treated myself to - the weekend before last, after frisbee, one of my friends invited me to an impromptu concert thing in San Francisco.  And despite the fact that it was Sunday night I had plenty of things to do, I went anyway, and I was so glad I did.  So anyway, I bought the EP by the girl we saw, and it's really nice Sunday morning pancake music.  I don't think she was intending that, but it works.

I'm starting to get really pumped for Napa Valley.  This is almost certainly premature, because it's in a little over 5 months, but I'm starting to get really excited about marathon training again.  I didn't know if that would ever happen again, because after each marathon, I've been ready for a mental break from running for a while.  I love it, but those 4 hour runs really cut into your life.  The thing about a 4 hour run is that it's a whole mental journey.  The physical exhaustion only really kicks in for the last 2-3 miles or so.  It's making yourself head out the door when you know you're going to be gone for 4 hours, and making yourself keep going when you get kind of bored and tired of running, that's the hard part.  And after you've broken through the mental barrier of knowing perfectly well that you are capable of running 26.2 miles, you don't even really get the mental charge that comes from the accomplishment itself anymore.  It almost becomes a bit of a chore: "Aw man, I'm supposed to do another 20 miler this weekend," like "Aw man, I really need to tackle that pile of laundry."

Anyway, now that it's been over a year since my last marathon, I'm totally ready and anxious to do another one.  It's been a long time since I ran 20 miles, long enough that I miss it.  There's something so meditative about settling into a pace and just holding it for several hours.  Your mind drifts all over the place, and then you get to the end and it almost feels like waking up from some weird dream.  Running that far is definitely a completely different experience, physically and mentally, from normal everyday runs.  And I have to be in a certain mental space to actively want to do that, and I am suddenly feeling like I'm in that mental space again.

I think it must have to do with how busy I am this semester.  It's my whole momentum phenomenon; now that I'm back to doing a lot of school work all the time, I'm just feeling generally more hard-core and like running 20 miles is probably a good idea.

Also, I really want to go run through Napa.  It's going to be so gorgeous, and the idea of running through the countryside early in the morning is just so appealing to me right now.

Running, running, running.  I didn't think this post was going to be about that.  I thought it was going to be about how I'm leaving for San Diego and Boston a week from today and I'm not ready for either of those conferences quite yet, but in a way this post is about the fact that I'm in a very good place, mentally, right now.  I have a lot to do, but I feel really good about it, for the most part, even though I could easily be freaking out if I let myself.  It's a good feeling to be at a place in my life where I can think about all the stuff I have to get done and just be ready to buckle down and do it without worrying about whether/how it will get done.  It will get done.  And I will do it.  But I'm not going to worry about it in the meantime.

And so some Sundays are pretty perfect.  You wake up without an alarm clock, take your dogs for a run through the Berkeley hills, fix yourself some coffee and pancakes, listen to some lovely piano music, and then you plan the rest of your week before you head out for some frisbee with your friends. I can't really think of a much better day than that.

It's the Melinda show!

Sometimes I feel like Tuesday is the Melinda show.  I have to go teach for an hour, then I'm presenting a paper in my graduate phonetics seminar, and then I'm presenting a paper in my psycholinguistics seminar.

All of these things are good for me and I enjoy them, but it's just weird to be explaining things to people all day.  It simultaneously makes me feel somewhat competent and like a poseur.  ("Don't listen to me, I don't actually know what I'm talking about!")

Oh fall

you are beautiful and I will walk in you
until my feet are tired and wet and drooping
dragging/floating across the concrete sidewalk
like so many fallen leaves

I will clench my sweatshirt a bit tighter
and relish the long, slanted rays of your orange sunshine
I will drink hot chocolate with melty marshmallows
I will stay in bed for twelve extra minutes in my cold, California house

if I am very still, I will hear tiny droplets of water spraying against my roof
and I will miss thunderstorms
and still I will be sure that snow is just around the corner
and I will be wrong for yet another year

Oh fall
you are lovely and glowing,
a tinge of bittersweetness at the end of one season,
but hiding the smoldering promise of a new beginning
in the palm of your hand

a haiku from this morning

early morning run :


a childlike wonder before


the world is awake

******************

Unfortunately the childlike wonder has worn off and I need another cup of coffee to make it through my readings tonight.  This is what I get for having a fun weekend and getting no work done!

It is time.

It is time for another marathon.  It's been nearly a year now, and I'm getting antsy.  I'm also starting to think about the fact that I'm not going to be here that much longer, and there's at least one more race I told myself I'd do before I leave California:

Napa Valley.

I am going to run the Napa Valley Marathon in the spring.  Do you see that landscape?  I think this may be the perfect marathon for me, actually.  It's pretty rural, and I do so miss running through the countryside in the early morning peace and quiet with no one around.  It's got some rolling hills - enough to keep your legs working and help minimize cramping, but not enough to really slow you down. And at 3500 participants, it's not too big, not too small, but just right.  Enough people that you're never completely alone, but few enough that you're never trapped or figuring out how to maneuver and pass people in fanny packs.

So it's on.  I'm really gonna do it, and that gives me five months to get back in marathon shape, which is way more than enough.  (Actually about four months, since I'll have to reserve the last part of February for tapering, but that's still plenty, so I don't even have to start in seriously right away.)  I'll probably start adding in some 10-12 milers on the weekends in October and November, and then I can really start ramping it up starting in December.  The only thing that will be a drag is doing enough training if we have a wet rainy season this year, but I can handle it.

Napa Valley, here I come!

a list of things that are happening

I never know how to spell the word 'happening'.  I guess that's right, because my spell checker isn't underlining it, but doesn't it look wrong with two p's and then the one n?  I always want it to be 'happenning."  But nope, there goes the red spell check line.  And I guess it looks even more wrong like that, anyway.

I'm tired, but my cold is finally almost gone.  I've been sniffly for nearly three weeks now, and it hasn't been a lot of fun.  I've felt mostly fine all this time, but I've had a stuffy nose and a tickly throat for a while now.  I haven't been running since September 10th, in fact, and I know that because I've starting keeping track of my mileage again.  19 days without a run!  I don't even know the last time that happened.  Probably when we first moved here, over three years ago, and I was too claustrophobic to go running on the sidewalk.

I'm going to see Robert Plant tomorrow!  (Robert Plant!!)  Do you realize how amazing that is??  I'm leaving right after phonetics tomorrow, taking the train to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, and seeing Robert Plant for free.  So cool.

I'm feeling guilty because I told my friend/research collaborator I would send her some stuff by today, and I still haven't sent it.  I'm trying to psych myself up to work on it, after I put it off a little bit more by making this blog post.

I have a Portuguese test tomorrow, which means I need to do my workbook exercises.  Portuguese is going really well.  I really love it, and I would love to stick with it to the point where I can actually speak it.  It's like Spanish + French + Russian, and I'm getting to the point now where I understand most of what my instructor says, and I'm even figuring out the phonetics enough to be able to pronounce it properly.  I still have a little bit of a hard time going from written Portuguese to the right pronunciation, because so many of the words are so similar to Spanish, so they automatically come out Spanish-sounding, which is pretty wrong.  But I'm getting there!

I'm about to drink my last cup of my favorite tea.  It was Trader Joe's winter seasonal blend from last year, and I'm hoping they get some more of it in soon.  It tastes kind of like Thin Mints, but not that chocolatey.

Did I mention I'm going to Portland in January?  I can't remember, but I'm really excited about it.  I got a paper accepted at a conference with my friend, based on the stuff we did in Paris over the summer, which is what I'm supposed to be working on right. now.

I had lunch with my friend from high school today (finally)!  It was so great.  We really need to do it more often.

This is turning into one of those semesters where I wish I could just fast forward to the end of it.  Or at least until I get these two conferences and my prospectus writing done, in mid November.  If I could skip forward to November 11th or so, that would be fine by me, I think.  But one certainly shouldn't spend one's life wishing for it to go by more quickly.  That's just plain silly.  So maybe I take it back, but I would like to wave a magic wand and have everything for the next two months prepared, if not presented.

It's almost my birthday.  I'm almost 27.  :D

Huck is barking because Rye stole his bone.  I think that's my cue to go regulate.  And then maybe I will force myself to do some work.

cozy sleepy day

It's raining!  I accidentally left the kitchen window cracked open over night last night, and now I'm sitting at the dining room table with a big bowl of delicious steaming coffee with a lip-smacking swirl of creamy milk in it, listening to the rain sprinkling against the pavement.  I can't believe it's raining!  September in Berkeley actually feels like September is supposed to feel, à mon avis, because it's this weird transition time between the dry season and the rainy season, and it's our Indian summer, so it's usually a mix of genuinely hot days and the usual chilly foggy days, and now we even have rain, so it's like... weather.  A little.  It's great.

Well, I updated my department webpage the other day and am rather proud of it, so I'm going to put a link to it here.  I'm supposed to go into one of our departmental professional development classes this week and talk to them about how I made my webpage, so I thought it would be nice to revamp it.  That, and I went to a meeting about "the academic job search" last week, and one of the more forthcoming (read: snarky) professors in our department was looking at people's webpages and CVs and critiquing them, and it made me think a lot more about the purpose an academic webpage is supposed to serve, which led to many changes.  I still have to finish updating my CV and put it up there, but I'm pretty happy with the format, anyway.

Yesterday was really fun.  So now that I have a piano, I proposed to my friend who had lent me his piano over the summer that we work on a duet together.  There are some really great classical piano duets out there, and that's one thing I've never really done before; the one time I played a duet was when my friend Laurie and I accompanied the school choir back in... 6th grade?... and the piano accompaniment was a duet.  We had such a blast practicing and playing it, and I've been having such a good time just being able to play again, so I thought it could only get better if I brought a friend in on the equation.  Playing music is great, but playing music with other people is even greater, and it's been so very long since I've done that.  So anyway, my friend came over yesterday and we worked on this piece (which has been stuck in my head for several days now) and it was really fun and a little goofy and I learned some new French vocabulary.  (French music vocabulary is just silly, in case you were wondering.)  It's weird to run through a duet for the first time, because you've been practicing the parts separately, and then you sit down to play it with someone else and it's really surprising and distracting.  Like, oh! that's how those parts fit together!  Really fun.

And then we went to a housewarming party for some other friends, and there was a cookout, and lots of good food and great people and a little too much drinking, and then I slept in until 10:30 (!) and woke up feeling like my cold was back full force, but now that I've got some water and some food and some coffee in my system, I feel okay.

(Another nice thing about having someone over yesterday is that I cleaned a little bit, which always makes everything feel nicer and homier!)

So, today.  Today I am not going to play frisbee, because it's raining and I don't feel that good anyway, so I think I'm going to grade some homework, maybe do some reading, and maybe finish knitting my current sweater project while I watch some Six Feet Under.

I've missed the rain.  What a lovely day.

time marches on

Oh my goodness, how is it the middle of September?  Oh my goodness, I'm going to be leaving for San Diego and Boston and needing to prepare a poster and a conference talk and turn in my prospectus-question-musings before I know it.  Oh my goodness, I have so much reading to do and I should be grading right now instead of blogging.

But oh! I have a piano again, and I can't stop playing it, and it suddenly feels like fall for some reason - despite that fact that it nearly always feels like fall here - but there's something about the light and the breeze and the (subtly changing) leaves that makes me just want to go for a stroll in my Illinois hoodie, drink some tea, and hang on to this fleeting "season" for a little longer.  I remember complaining to one of the older grad students when I first came here that there are no seasons to speak of, and she told me, "No no, we have seasons, they're just subtle."  I will still complain all the live long day that there are no seasons to speak of, but I also know what she was talking about now.  Something about the last week has started to feel like fall, which makes me think of how it's almost my birthday again, and I'm in my fourth year of grad school now (fourth!) and time just keeps marching on.

I ran into a very dear friend of mine from high school in the grocery store the other day (well, she ran into me, as I was trying to decide what kind of chocolate to buy) and it was so good to see her and we talked about how it's so silly that we don't get together more often, but it's partially a problem with time, and not with us.  We talk about getting together for lunch, and I know we both honestly intend to, but then we blink and six more months have gone by.  Oh, time, you silly thing.

Speaking of time, I finally got my haircut, after about four months that somehow flew by since the last time, and it feels so nice!  I would put up a picture, but I haven't taken a shower yet today, so it's kind of greasy and unimpressive right now. ;)

I suppose I should also mention that I taught my first sections of phonetics last week, and I had a really good time doing it!  It's funny, you just act like you know what you're doing, and people assume that you actually do.  I feel like that's a very useful life lesson to have learned.  I also think part of "knowing what you're doing" is convincing yourself that you do, in fact, know.  There I was, standing in front of a room full of undergraduate students, explaining how the vocal tract works and realizing that I do actually know a fair amount about that, and that most people don't, so in that case it wasn't too hard to fake it.  It's a little weird to hear yourself explaining things with some intellectual authority and seeing that people are writing down what you're saying, and may go back and study it later for a test on what you told them.  But I think they can sense my enthusiasm for the material, and so far, that seems to be keeping them somewhat engaged.  I hope that trend will continue.

Well, speaking of phonetics, I should grade some homework.  Happy Fall and much love to all.