I wish they were Golden Gated
Fillmore couldn't feel more miles away
So wrap me up, return to sender
Let's forget this five-year bender
Take me to my city by the Bay
I never knew all that I had
Now Alcatraz don't sound so bad
At least they got a hella fine Merlot
If I could wish upon a star
Then I would hitch a cable car
To the place that I can always call my own...
"Save Me, San Francisco," by Train
* * * * *
Experiment 1: Effects of Mystery Food Sensitivities on Skin Inflammation
Background. Remember how the skin on my face has been weirdly inflamed, and I thought I had developed a sensitivity to eggs? Well, a few weeks back, I had an acute reaction to something, and I have no idea what it was (except that it wasn't eggs, because I haven't been eating any eggs). I got home from an evening out, and I had these big blotchy red patches all over my stomach. So I decided to do an elimination diet to try to figure out what in the heck is going on.
Hypothesis. I have developed a mild allergy to something, and through the power of science, I will figure out what it is.
Participants. One. (Me.)
Materials. Rice, vegetables, fruit, and olive oil.
Procedure. Cut out all known allergens for a period of approximately three weeks. Then add one back in at a time and see what happens.
Preliminary results. I have been subsisting almost entirely on rice, vegetables, fruit, and olive oil for two weeks now. For the first time in my life, I've been trying to up my meat consumption, because otherwise I get hungry too easily.
During the first week of my "experiment", the skin on my face, where it had been red and inflamed, got all peely and looked like it was healing. Now most of the inflammation is gone, and it seems like it continues to improve. I'm getting used to eating this way, although it's kind of a pain in the rear. It makes it really hard to eat out, and now I'm one of those annoying people who asks things like, "What kind of oil is that fried in?" and "Do you know if the mashed potatoes are made with butter?" or "Does your soup of the day have any gluten in it?"
So, I feel totally weird and annoying, and I also really really miss dairy products. It would be incredibly hard for me to keep this up, except 1) I want to know why my skin has been being weird, so I can avoid the thing that's been making it weird, and 2) if I treat it like an experiment, it's actually kind of exciting. In a week I get to start adding foods back in and see what happens! It should be cool!
* * * * *
Experiment 2: Trying on New Hats
Background. It has recently been brought to my attention that hey, actually, there might not be enough money for me to stay on in my current job next year, so I have to apply for positions elsewhere, just in case it doesn't work out. In writing these applications, I have to admit, it's not that hard for me to get excited at the prospect of going somewhere new. I submitted an application for a postdoc in Philadelphia today, and it's the one I'm most excited about. I might be moving to Philadelphia in a few months! Or maybe Connecticut! Or maybe to the Netherlands! Who can say?!
Hypothesis. In theory, if I treat it like a "Big Adventure!" it's kiiiiind of exciting. But that might just be the optimist in me trying to make the best of things. I don't really want to move. (Especially to the Netherlands, even though it sounds like a very nice job, in a very nice place.) I would rather stay here and be able to actually carry out the research I want to do instead of having to readjust to a new place, with new people, in a new town, in a new institution, et cetera. I kind of think it will work out for me to stay here, but I won't know for about a month or so.
Participants. One. Me. Still just me. Although I have some friends now, and J comes to visit me fairly frequently.
Materials. Many pages of letters and research proposals and versions of my CV. Some stress. A perpetual feeling of vague displacement, as though I am dislodged in space-time, floating about, waiting to settle down someplace where I can actually stay for a while.
Procedure. Rewrite materials (see above). Submit them to search committees. Ask my advisors for more letters of recommendation. Wait. Work on the 57th version of my dissertation research manuscript in the meantime. Start to worry that I will never actually accomplish anything, or have a place that actually fully feels like my home.
Preliminary results. Mild to moderate unease, occasionally alternating with twinges of excitement that that job in Philly could actually be really awesome. Or it could be great to stay here another year and finally get to run the study I've been planning. Or hey, something else will probably work out... right? Further research is needed.
* * * * *
Experiment 3: Going the Distance
Background. J and I were planning on breaking up when I moved to Pennsylvania, and instead we decided to give it a go long distance. This felt really risky at the time, but also like the best of two undesirable alternatives.
Hypothesis. I think if we keep doing what we're doing, we'll be okay.
Participants. Me and J.
Materials. Plane tickets and about two days' worth of traveling for one of us every 4 - 6 weeks. Lots of Skype time.
Preliminary results. A marked result of the present investigation is that it is not uncommon for me to wake up in the middle of the night and have no idea where I am. I am also unable to live in one time zone, such that I am always in some crappy, in between, totally non functional time zone that seems to be inappropriate for both the east and west coasts. (Maybe if I wind up back in Central time, I'll finally be on the same schedule as everyone else.) A new hypothesis that emerges from the latter finding is that I am somewhat depressed these days. This could potentially explain why I've been having trouble making myself work sometimes, and why I have a hard time waking up in the morning. Of course, the weather has also been total crap for about 5 months now, and the cold dreary gray days also contribute to my desire to sleep in pretty much every day.
* * * * *
Conclusion. The present experiments have attempted to isolate the individual factors contributing to the general weirdness of my life lately. However, the results thus far suggest that perhaps all of these feelings are intertwined, in such a way that renders the primary subject mired in a state that could aptly be characterized as "Perpetual Blah." Future work should attempt to tease apart the contributing influences of mystery food sensitivities, time zone trouble, weather, and perhaps mild depression due to missing my significant other and the generally puzzling life circumstances in which I find myself, in an attempt to better understand why exactly I've been feeling so blah. At present, the only obvious recommendation is to keep on keepin' on, to hang out with friends when I can, and to try to go running more often now that it might (finally!) be done snowing and icing.
